36 Rules For Life June 26, 2008Posted by texasheartland in funny, humor, life, random.
Tags: 36 rules of life, funny, humor, life
The 36 Rules of Life
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(Learned this the hard way one night!)
2. Don’t worry about what people think, they don’t do it very often.
(Depends on what “people” are thinking!)
3. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.
(Sorry if this offends anyone…)
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
(Does that mean natural stupidity can’t use the computer?)
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried before.
(Sounds good to me!)
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
(Will lifting my finger help get the trash out?)
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
(Guess a birth certificate is part of the “evidence”.)
8. A person who is nice to you but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
(Not true! They’re just having a bad day.)
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
(Yea, like the Stimulus checks…)
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
(What good will that do me?)
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
(Ahh, that explains why I got my bill before I got my check. Damnit!)
12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
(And another option would be…??)
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth.. Deal with it.
(Are you sure?)
15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
(Unless he wasn’t cleaning them right.)
16. A balanced diet is a muffin in each hand.
(Can I trade the muffins for chocolate?)
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
(Could be worse.)
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
(Thanks, I’ll try to remember that.)
19. Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
(That’s what I needed that drill for!)
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
(As long as the imbecile is helpful!)
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
(Then what good did that do me?)
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
(Yea, the ends get farther and farther apart.)
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
(But the food looks good!)
24. Someone who thinks logically provides nice contrast to the real world.
(Yea, and it helps us understand better.)
25. It isn’t the jeans that make your butt look fat.
(Are you saying it’s MY fault?!)
26. If you had to identify in one word the reason why the human race has not achieved its full potential, that word would be ‘meetings.’
(So, we have meetings to discuss next week’s itinerary for the human race?)
27. There is a very fine line between ‘hobby’ and ‘mental illness.’
(There’s also a fine line between “joking” and “insulting”.)
28. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
(Funny that this is rather true.)
29. You should not confuse your career with your life.
(But what if your career is your life?)
30. Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
(I sure hope no one is watching!)
31.. Never lick a steak knife.
(I want to get all of the A1 sauce off!)
32. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
(How would we learn what is going on in the world?)
33. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
34. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
(That leans on the edge of creepy!)
35. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status
or ethnic background, is that deep down inside, we ALL believe we are good drivers.
36. Your friends love you anyway.
(I know they do!)