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Late Night Thoughts September 2, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Feelings, learning, life, love, relationships, thoughts.
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Once I get in a mindset that I’m gonna do something, unless nothing else major is going on, its usually the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep.

As I was laying in bed to fall asleep last night, my thoughts once again turned to relationships. More specifically, where my past ones went wrong. I know its not good to dwell on the past, but this wasn’t reminiscing- it was taking notes. As I thought through every past relationship, I realized it wasn’t my fault they ended. It was their’s.

Why do I say that? Because even with my first relationship at 21, I was more mature. He was a tall blond 30-something that played video games constantly. We never talked seriously. The next relationship came a year later and only lasted 5 months because he thought he was better than my family and I. Same thing with the next one. This past relationship ended because we were just too different. He was a thug that used to steal while I had my head on straight.

I’ve realized that I have to be picky about beaus. While I’d love to still consider “Cyber Guy” (the one I had the HUGE crush on), he just lives too far. I’d never see him and phone cards cost too much to talk on the phone every day. Not to mention we hardly talk. But I still think he’s sexy. Hehe

I’m usually not picky about looks because I would hate someone to judge me because of the way I look. As far as personalities, as long as they were nice to me and my family, I didn’t mind. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. Sure, they were good-looking (as far as I thought) and they had nice personalities, but a nice personality can get you so far. As I get older, I’m starting to realize that maybe I can start being a little pickier on who I choose. I want someone with an amazing personality and a smile that makes my heart skip a beat. And maybe a goatee.

I think I’m Ready August 29, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Feelings, learning, life, love, random, relationships, thoughts.
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You know what is so weird? That after everything my family has been through this year, I think I am ready to fall in love once again. I have matured ever since my last relationship considerably and have set my priorities straight.

My last relationship started off great- had a lot in common, enjoyed each others company, and just fell head over hills in love. I thought he was the one but as our relationship went on, I started to realize that maybe he wasn’t the one. I should have known that when we broke up, I didn’t cry much. I maybe cried one day and one night, but it wasn’t like many relationships before where I was an emotional wreck.

So why would I want a relationship after everything my family has been through? I’m much stronger than I’ve ever been, and can hold my own side of the relationship instead of doing what they want to do. Sure there will be times when I wouldn’t mind going bowling (as long as no one is behind me) or the movies. But if I just wanna hang around the house with the family, he can come, but he has to realize that most of it will be spent WITH the family and not in another room. Plus the living room has a bigger TV. With football season in season (well atleast pre-season), that’s the spot to watch the games!

I know my time will come when I find a boyfriend but as most of you have probably come to realize, I’m not a very patient person. But I don’t want to rush love- bad idea. Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Maybe if I stop looking or expecting something to happen, I’ll let it happen naturally. Kinda like waiting for Fall- you wait, they will come. Or something like that.

Excited and Nervous… June 13, 2009

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Next weekend, “Cyber Guy” will be here. Well, after he goes to his mother’s house and eat the big meal she plans to cook for him. Him and I both know that his mother missing him, though they talk everyday. She keeps asking if the transfer is permanent. Hell, my mom would be the same way!

But I am extremely excited and a little nervous. I haven’t seen him since November, though we talk almost every other day. Even though we’re not a couple, he’s just one of those guys that makes your heart go pitter patter. When we first met, he was nervous. He didn’t tell me until I asked him last week and he said he was really nervous.

I already know what I’m going to wear when we go out but I’m now at that stage of how to wear my hair. It’s gonig be hot so naturally, I would put it in a ponytail. But when I go out on dates, I like to wear it down because it’s a habit I picked up. I am never usually this nervous when I see a guy, even when dating him, because I got used to the fact that hey, he picked me. But for some reason, he gives me butterflies. I’m not used to this feeling.

Maybe one day we’ll sit down (or chat about it) and sort out our feelings. I can’t pretend that I don’t like him because he knows me extremely well and can tell when I’m holding something back. True, he doesn’t know that I’d like to be with him but he’s probably surpressing the same thing. We’re probably both afraid to say how we truly feel when in reality, we both could be wanting the same thing but afraid to say it. Don’t think that I don’t know him well either because I do. I know when he’s tired, sick, or just in a rough mood. Just like he knows me. I know that we will eventually end up together- it’s just a matter of waiting. Waiting it out to see what could transpire. I know that his job has a lot to do with it and if he still lived in Texas, it wouldn’t have taken so long. But I understand about his job and everything. We do what we need to do to get by.

June… June 3, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in birthday, family, Fantasy, life, love, Moms, random, Siblings, thoughts.
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Ah, June. It finally decided to grace us with it’s presence. Yuck, Summer has arrived. Not officially (that comes on June 21st), but close enough. With a 100* stuck in there for the high as Saturday, it’s Summer. You can’t convine me otherwise.

What else is in June? A birthday. No, not mine! That’s in December. Mom will be having a birthday this month. June 18th, if I remember correctly. My mom turns another year older and another year wiser. I am not saying how old she is because I don’t want her to feel old. Not that it’s a bad thing I just want her to feel as young as I do on occasion.

But I don’t even know what to get her for her birthday. Yea, I could get her another card. True, I could get her some chocolate. But that’s just like Valentine’s Day- minus the big stuffed bear. I want something unique this year. Flowers, framed picture of me and Manders, her favorite TV show on DVD, a pretty throw, a new car… Ok, that last one MIGHT be a little over the top. But you know what I mean. The only problem would be trying to find money myself so me and Twin could get it secretly. It might throw off the whole “surprise” element if we go up and ask “Mama? Could we have some money so we could buy you a birthday present?”.

I know she’s reading this so the whole “Surprise! Happy Birthday Mama!” has been thrown out the window. I am not creative as far as crafts so I can’t make her something. Considering I’m accident prone, I’d probably hurt myself in the process. Maybe I should talk with Sissy and see what she wants to do.

You what’s even more scarier than trying to buy a gift for Mom? That fact that Twin and I will be turning a quarter-of-a-century old in 6 months! It seems to me that time keeps going by more quickly by the year. There’s an episode of Futurama (why do I always seem to relate everything to either Futurama or Family Guy?) where time skips by the second, by the minute, or even by the years. Sometimes, that’s how it feels. One minute you could be doing something and the next minute, it seems as if a year has gone by. Kind of scary, if you ask me.

Now, I am off to find out what to get my dearest Mommy for her birthday.

Going For It… May 29, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Feelings, Guys, life, love, random, relationships, thoughts.
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A couple of months ago, I declared that I wasn’t going to pursue “Cyber Guy”- I lied.

Yes, he is living in Louisiana, which is quite far from where I am. Right now, those are only miles. We are still extremely close. For a while, I thought my feelings weren’t as strong as they were before but they were masked with something else: time. We hadn’t talked for a while and I thought that because we weren’t talking as much, my feelings would dissipate into nothingness. I was wrong. I was more wrong that I had ever been. He started following me on Twitter and over Twitter, he sent me a message asking to get on Yahoo! Messenger, which signaled to me he wanted to talk. My heart started racing once again, as it does when I talk to him. We started talking and he mentioned he was coming down in two weeks. I mentioned to him that I got butterflies when Manders had told me, since had accidentally sent a Direct Message to her instead of me. I said “Kiddie, I know” to which his reply was “No, it’s not kiddie. I had butterflies when we met. I was nervous as hell!”. He never told me he was nervous and he never showed it!

The “lovey dovey” sighing didn’t stop there. I had quite a lot of caffeine that day and it had fused into my blood system, making me really talkative. It was either that, or I was tired. Maybe both. But as he was getting ready for bed, I apologized for babbling so much. It’s only natural that I babble. As he was saying good night, he said “It’s okay. I love your babbling.”. That made my night and it made my heart go pitter patter.

I know eventually we will end up together. We still say “I love you” to each other and joke around. I think he wants to get his job together and life together before making any kind of commitment (if you can call it that) and I respect that. I just hope my arm is better by the time he comes down. I refuse to wear a sling on a date. Yuck!

How funny, he just signed into Yahoo! Messenger! Scary timing!

To All Mothers… May 9, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in family, Feelings, holidays, life, love, Moms, Mother's Day, motherhood, thoughts.
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I am not good at expressing my feelings when it comes to my Mom. For her, there are no words to explain how I feel about Mama. I could spend hours upon hours writing a poem or post that suffice enough to say exactly how I feel. But alas, that merely wouldn’t work for me either. So I decided to search for famous poems dedicated to Moms and found this one Thank You, Mother:

Thank You Mom
I know how often I took you for granted
when I was growing up.
I always assumed you’d be there
when I needed you…
and you always were.
But I never really thought about what that meant
till I got older and began to realize
how often your time and energy were devoted to me.
So now, for all the times I didn’t say it before,
Thank you, Mom…I love you so very much!
– Author – Unknown

Happy Mother’s Day Moms!

Mother’s Day is afoot! April 30, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in birthday, family, Feelings, holidays, life, love, Moms, Mother's Day, motherhood, random, shopping, thoughts.
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And I am lost. I have no idea what to get or do for my Mother. And her birthday isn’t that too far off either.

This year, I strapped for cash. So big expensive presents will have to wait. I could do what I did one year- a mixed CD of sentimental songs that would make any mother cry. But I really don’t feel like making Mom cry. Or maybe I could make her feel good by burning a CD for her of songs from the year she was born. That might make her feel old. NO ONE wants to do that.

I could possibly make a CD of her favorite artists. Seeing as though I am not sure of those, it would take some swift snooping on my part. When you grow up with a twin, secret and snooping skills are honed to near perfection. It’s not something we’re particularly proud of. It’s just makes Holidays a lot more fun considering we can drop hints without giving it away and making the gift look like a nondescript box of what the actual present is. Snooping and secrets at Christmas are fun.

Or maybe I could just ask her about her music tastes. And buy a card. And maybe some chocolate. Mothers like chocolate, right?

Cats & Books April 29, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in Animals, Books, cats, Christopher Moore, Classical Music, dogs, family, Feelings, fun, funny, Guys, health, kittens, life, love, music, random, thoughts.
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This isn’t going to be an interesting post. But because of the Swine flu outbreak and regular flu cases here in my area, I am homebound. I can get out for the ride, I can’t get out of the car. So I won’t be able to speak of the hot guy I saw on the way home or some cute guy saying “Hi” to me on the way out of the store (if that ever happens.). So naturally, I am inclined to speak of Smokie, Zeus, the books I am reading, or the music I am listening to. Or maybe perhaps the weird stuff I do when I am not blogging. Ok, I really don’t do any weird stuff when I’m not online. I read, watch TV, sleep (which I seem to be doing a lot lately), or study. Speaking of studying, I need to get back to doing that. Maybe I will this evening. Otherwise I’ll never be ready for that test.

Smokie has seemed to developed a habit of sticking her tail into their water bowl. For the second time today when I pet her, her tail was wet. I know it can’t be from cleaning herself because even when she grooms, she isn’t soaking wet. Since I am witty, I kept saying “Are you leaking? My cat is leaking!” and the family laughed. It just seems weird because the tip of her tail seems to be wet and I can’t figure it out unless she IS leaking or sticking it in the water bowl. Well atleast when it comes time for her Spring bath, she’ll be used to water. Yes, I bathe my cat. It’s not as hard as it seems when you start young. Except one year on my birthday, she escaped my grasp and the bathroom. She was trailing cat shampoo and water all over the house. Just to piss her off, I relathered her.

I am still reading the Twilight series. I am currently on the 3rd book and am in love with it. I would love to fall in love with a vampire like Edward that has superhuman powers. I know it’s just fantasy. But how cool would it be to fall in love with someone that makes your heart beat fast with every thought of his/her voice or knee-wobbling kisses. We all dream of that. I am also re-reading “A Dirty Job” by Christopher Moore. I bought the book after I checked it out from the library because I loved it. I can’t say what it’s about without going to Google for a synopsis or reading the book to give you one. It’s been about a year or two since I’ve read it so I don’t remember everything. But there is one funny part that always keeps me laughing (even if it is a bit morbid)- everytime his daughter says “kitty”, anyone in the near vicinity drops dead. I know it shouldn’t be funny but if there was a killer on the loose and all you had to say was “kitty” to get him dead?

You will not believe what song I am currently listening to! Does anyone remember the first time they heard Henry Hall’s “Teddy Bear Picnic”?

I hate dreams… April 25, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Dreams, family, Feelings, Friends, life, love, random, relationships, thoughts.
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I had a dream last night that I wouldn’t constitute as disturbing but it got my attention.

I know why “C” was there- the whole MySpace and blog thing last night. I already knew that I would most likely dream about it because I was so excited. But there was one person that I didn’t expect to see in my dream.

“Cyber Guy” was there. I hadn’t talked to him in a while and I really hadn’t been thinking about him. I had been preoccupied with “C” coming down, finding a place to put the van, and reading the Twilight series. He hadn’t really crossed my mind in a long while.

But in the dream, “C” was visiting like I told you and we were having fun driving around town. All of a sudden, I see “Cyber Guy’s” white truck driving past us. We parked in some parking lot while he make a U-Turn and drove right into the parking lot. He stopped right beside our truck and got out. He went to my side of the car and opened the door. I got out and gave him a hug. He gave a kiss and even when the kiss ended, he held me. I introduced him to “C” and he greeted Manders. He didn’t act like he did last time- nervous. He didn’t act like we were even friends. He acted like we were more.

I woke up knowing why “C” was in my dream but I still have no clue why he was and why he acted the way he did. I had gotten it outta my mind that we would probably just ending remaining friends. I accepted that and moved on. It has bothered me all day because I am curious as to why he would come into a dream when I hadn’t dreamt of him in months!

I hate dreams like those. It’s kind of weird. Really weird.

“If Life’s a Journey… April 1, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in Animals, chocolate, computer, Computers, dogs, family, Feelings, Journey, learning, life, love, Pets, Quotes, random, rant, sisters, thoughts, twins.
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… I’m on the wrong boat.”. Those are the words of Twin while I was on the phone with Cyber Guy. Frankly, I have to agree. This can’t be all life has to offer!

We consulted with a computer guru and he said that we need a higher watt on the power supply considering how it it is always on. Good point. The problem is that the one we need is $120 and we can’t afford it. Or at least not right now. Who knows when we will. Maybe May…

Zeus is still hanging on. He has a nasty bacterial infection and since the vet said that this kind is a “wait and see” infection, he has Zeus on antibiotics and a liquid diet (since he won’t eat). I feel so bad for him and I’m kinda scared- I won’t lie. I don’t wanna lose him. After all he’s been through, he has to come through this. He just has to.

Ugh. As if life wasn’t depressing enough. I need chocolate.

Nevermind… March 14, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in business, Candles, Feelings, Friends, Guys, Job, life, love, money, random, rant, relationships, thoughts.
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Remember how I said in a previous post that if everything worked out that I could possibly be selling candles? Nevermind that.

I got some information and the price of the start-up kit. Wasn’t bad. But it went on to say that I would automatically be enrolled in the “Candle of the Month” Club, in which I would be billed $40 per month (plus shipping and handling). The initial start-up package price I could handle. But my family can’t afford the $40 a month for a “Candle of the Month” deal.

Now I am at a loss on what to do. I can’t have a normal job due to medical issues. Back to the drawing board I do.

Oh yea, guess the chance of me and Cyber Guy getting together is not happening. Turns out that he may be moving to Louisiana for a business opportunity. He tried to reassure me that he would come back to Texas on his days off (I guess to see his parents). But somehow, I still felt a sinking feeling. I’m destined to be remain single for the rest of my life.

I still love candles though.

Whew! March 2, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Feelings, Guys, learning, life, love, random, relationships, thoughts.
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Lately, I’ve been talking to Cyber Guy. A lot.

Ever since my hospital fiasco, we hardly ever go a day without saying something. He’ll ask how I’m feeling or what I’m up to. Even though he’s asked it before, that’s the first thing he’ll ask. He used to say “Hey sexy” or “Hey beautiful” (yea, I know… gives me a fuzzy feeling inside when he does that). But he’ll just come right out and ask me.

I was talking to Mom a couple of days ago about Cyber Guy and I had told her that I made up my mind to not ask him out. The deal with that is that he has a really demanding job and I would never see him (except once a month or so, unless he planned on coming up every day he’s off. I don’t think so.) and he travels everywhere. The week after Valentine’s Day, he was in Arkansas for a week and 1/2. But Mom said something that was true. She told me not to ask him out and see what happens. If it was meant to be, then I will know. Which is very true!

We still talk on the phone sometimes (though I missed his call yesterday and didn’t get a chance to call back. I felt so guilty!). Oh, and he sent me a picture through e-mail today. How I had forgotten how good he looks! We were on Yahoo! Messenger so I put the drooling face and said “you make my heart skip a beat” and he replied with “Like it?”. How could I not say “Hell yea!”.

What’s funny is that we tell each other we love each other (no “love ya”, but “I love you!”) but we’re not together. Even if we are on the edge of being together but continue to remain that way, that’s fine. I have no problem with that and I know many others will say “Get rid of him!” but it’s the love we have for each other that keeps us close to another’s heart. I know we will eventually be together. It’ll just take some time.

Haha! Funny Spring Cartoons February 24, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in Animals, Easter, fun, funny, hilarious, holidays, learning, love, Rabbits, random, Spring.
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We all know Spring is just around the corner and while all the cartoons aren’t exactly “Spring” but more of Easter, Spring is Easter and Easter is Spring.

Valentine’s Day is afoot! February 13, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in cats, dating, dogs, family, Guys, holidays, life, love, Pets, random, thoughts, Valentine's Day.
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If you’ve all looked at your calendars, you’ll know that tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. Maybe you have something special planned for your husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, or maybe you plan on watching a romantic comedy with a bowl of ice cream. A bowl of ice cream while watching a romantic comedy- now THAT’S a Valentine’s Day!

For me, I have no one special. Well, atleast not yet. I’ve never asked anyone out before so I’m mustering up the courage to ask him out. But I did get gifts for my mom and Manders. Well, WE got something for Mom. I can’t tell you what it is since she reads my blog. I know, the anticipation! But once we have given it to her, I’ll let you know. I can’t let you know details of what I got my twin but I’ll be vague: It’s an adorable stuffed animal with a funny ass card. Was that a little too vague? LOL I know my mom got us something and a card. We also got Dad some candy and a card, since he isn’t much for stuffed animals. The kitties and puppy got toys and treats- but instead of waiting for tomorrow, they got them Wednesday.

Zeus got a puppy with a heart hanging from it’s mouth and obviously, he doesn’t like cuteness. Within 15 minutes of getting it, the nose had already been ripped off. For some reason, he likes to go for the nose on his stuffed “babies”. Weird. The kitties got 2 string toys with stuffed balls on the end. Since the strings were elastic, I kept “shooting” them at Smokie. She wasn’t amused. Princess, on the other hand, loved them. Try to take one away to play with her and she told me “no”. LOL

But I have eating my fill of chocolate this week (I love chocolate!) and knowing I’m going to get more tomorrow makes me want to wet my knickers. I could live on chocolate, I really could!

I love Valentine’s Day. Not because I have someone special or the stuffed animals- for the chocolate!

Are you kidding?! February 10, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in funny, Guys, hilarious, humor, learning, life, love, random, thoughts.
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Everyone who has read past posts know that I have my eye on someone. Someone I call “cyber guy”. Someone I have known for almost 4 years and we have grown closer. Not to mention, he has gotten more playful. Well, he definitely showed a silly side today! Let me paint the scene for you:

Me and Manders were on our way to get our Dad from work. I looked at my phone to see what time it was when I realized I had a text message from “cyber guy”. I don’t like to read text messages and drive at the same time (not to mention it was busy), so I handed the phone over to my sister so she could read it aloud to me. He had sent a message saying “I need to talk to you ASAP. It’s about you. My battery is dead so call me at (number). I had to wait until we were at our Dad’s work to call him since I can’t remember phone numbers to save my life. We get to our destination and I put the car in park. Mom calls to remind us that we left something at the house that our dad needs. I let Manders talk to her before calling the number because I had so many thoughts running through my head. I asked her to punch the number on her phone so I could have a visual when I was dialing it on mine. It rang once- my heart skipped a beat.

“Thank you for calling the psychiatric hotline. If you’re compuslive obsessive, please press 1 repeatedly…”

It was a joke number! Are you kidding me?! Now that I look back at the text message, it’s oh-so obvious! “It’s about you.” makes a lot more sense now! Damnit, and I thought it was serious! So I replied back with “You are hilarious”… but I was being sarcastic. Either he didn’t catch it or knew it and didn’t want to say anything, he said “thanks”. I snapped my phone shut, and crossed my arms. I was trying to act upset by saying “I am not amused” but now that I think back, I can’t help but laugh! I was so gullible!

Not that he was getting anything, I said to Manders “That’s it. He’s not getting anything for Valetine’s Day”. Something’s gotta give with this boy. Manders said that I might have to break down and ask him out. Once ya think about it, he could be scared to ask me. I’ve never asked anyone out before… Guess that’s why they say is there always a first time for firsts… Or something like that.