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Late Night Thoughts September 2, 2009

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Once I get in a mindset that I’m gonna do something, unless nothing else major is going on, its usually the last thing I think of as I drift off to sleep.

As I was laying in bed to fall asleep last night, my thoughts once again turned to relationships. More specifically, where my past ones went wrong. I know its not good to dwell on the past, but this wasn’t reminiscing- it was taking notes. As I thought through every past relationship, I realized it wasn’t my fault they ended. It was their’s.

Why do I say that? Because even with my first relationship at 21, I was more mature. He was a tall blond 30-something that played video games constantly. We never talked seriously. The next relationship came a year later and only lasted 5 months because he thought he was better than my family and I. Same thing with the next one. This past relationship ended because we were just too different. He was a thug that used to steal while I had my head on straight.

I’ve realized that I have to be picky about beaus. While I’d love to still consider “Cyber Guy” (the one I had the HUGE crush on), he just lives too far. I’d never see him and phone cards cost too much to talk on the phone every day. Not to mention we hardly talk. But I still think he’s sexy. Hehe

I’m usually not picky about looks because I would hate someone to judge me because of the way I look. As far as personalities, as long as they were nice to me and my family, I didn’t mind. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. Sure, they were good-looking (as far as I thought) and they had nice personalities, but a nice personality can get you so far. As I get older, I’m starting to realize that maybe I can start being a little pickier on who I choose. I want someone with an amazing personality and a smile that makes my heart skip a beat. And maybe a goatee.

I think I’m Ready August 29, 2009

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You know what is so weird? That after everything my family has been through this year, I think I am ready to fall in love once again. I have matured ever since my last relationship considerably and have set my priorities straight.

My last relationship started off great- had a lot in common, enjoyed each others company, and just fell head over hills in love. I thought he was the one but as our relationship went on, I started to realize that maybe he wasn’t the one. I should have known that when we broke up, I didn’t cry much. I maybe cried one day and one night, but it wasn’t like many relationships before where I was an emotional wreck.

So why would I want a relationship after everything my family has been through? I’m much stronger than I’ve ever been, and can hold my own side of the relationship instead of doing what they want to do. Sure there will be times when I wouldn’t mind going bowling (as long as no one is behind me) or the movies. But if I just wanna hang around the house with the family, he can come, but he has to realize that most of it will be spent WITH the family and not in another room. Plus the living room has a bigger TV. With football season in season (well atleast pre-season), that’s the spot to watch the games!

I know my time will come when I find a boyfriend but as most of you have probably come to realize, I’m not a very patient person. But I don’t want to rush love- bad idea. Been there, done that, and got the t-shirt. Maybe if I stop looking or expecting something to happen, I’ll let it happen naturally. Kinda like waiting for Fall- you wait, they will come. Or something like that.

Excited and Nervous… June 13, 2009

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Next weekend, “Cyber Guy” will be here. Well, after he goes to his mother’s house and eat the big meal she plans to cook for him. Him and I both know that his mother missing him, though they talk everyday. She keeps asking if the transfer is permanent. Hell, my mom would be the same way!

But I am extremely excited and a little nervous. I haven’t seen him since November, though we talk almost every other day. Even though we’re not a couple, he’s just one of those guys that makes your heart go pitter patter. When we first met, he was nervous. He didn’t tell me until I asked him last week and he said he was really nervous.

I already know what I’m going to wear when we go out but I’m now at that stage of how to wear my hair. It’s gonig be hot so naturally, I would put it in a ponytail. But when I go out on dates, I like to wear it down because it’s a habit I picked up. I am never usually this nervous when I see a guy, even when dating him, because I got used to the fact that hey, he picked me. But for some reason, he gives me butterflies. I’m not used to this feeling.

Maybe one day we’ll sit down (or chat about it) and sort out our feelings. I can’t pretend that I don’t like him because he knows me extremely well and can tell when I’m holding something back. True, he doesn’t know that I’d like to be with him but he’s probably surpressing the same thing. We’re probably both afraid to say how we truly feel when in reality, we both could be wanting the same thing but afraid to say it. Don’t think that I don’t know him well either because I do. I know when he’s tired, sick, or just in a rough mood. Just like he knows me. I know that we will eventually end up together- it’s just a matter of waiting. Waiting it out to see what could transpire. I know that his job has a lot to do with it and if he still lived in Texas, it wouldn’t have taken so long. But I understand about his job and everything. We do what we need to do to get by.

Going For It… May 29, 2009

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A couple of months ago, I declared that I wasn’t going to pursue “Cyber Guy”- I lied.

Yes, he is living in Louisiana, which is quite far from where I am. Right now, those are only miles. We are still extremely close. For a while, I thought my feelings weren’t as strong as they were before but they were masked with something else: time. We hadn’t talked for a while and I thought that because we weren’t talking as much, my feelings would dissipate into nothingness. I was wrong. I was more wrong that I had ever been. He started following me on Twitter and over Twitter, he sent me a message asking to get on Yahoo! Messenger, which signaled to me he wanted to talk. My heart started racing once again, as it does when I talk to him. We started talking and he mentioned he was coming down in two weeks. I mentioned to him that I got butterflies when Manders had told me, since had accidentally sent a Direct Message to her instead of me. I said “Kiddie, I know” to which his reply was “No, it’s not kiddie. I had butterflies when we met. I was nervous as hell!”. He never told me he was nervous and he never showed it!

The “lovey dovey” sighing didn’t stop there. I had quite a lot of caffeine that day and it had fused into my blood system, making me really talkative. It was either that, or I was tired. Maybe both. But as he was getting ready for bed, I apologized for babbling so much. It’s only natural that I babble. As he was saying good night, he said “It’s okay. I love your babbling.”. That made my night and it made my heart go pitter patter.

I know eventually we will end up together. We still say “I love you” to each other and joke around. I think he wants to get his job together and life together before making any kind of commitment (if you can call it that) and I respect that. I just hope my arm is better by the time he comes down. I refuse to wear a sling on a date. Yuck!

How funny, he just signed into Yahoo! Messenger! Scary timing!

A Twin’s Bond May 18, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in family, Feelings, fun, funny, hilarious, humor, life, random, relationships, Siblings, sisters, thoughts, twins.
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As I was leaving a comment on Mander’s MySpace profile, I was reminded of the bond I share with her.

A twin’s bond is one of the strongest in the world, if not THE strongest bond. While there are twins that don’t get along, hardly talk, or even hate each other, 95% of the time, they love each other to death. Not only are you born with an instant sibling, you are born with an instant best friend.

While me and Twin might have our arguments, we are never mad at each other for more than from a couple of minutes to a couple of hours. Then as the last second passes, we instantly apologize to each other. We never go to bed angry at each other, though if we ever do, we usually forget it that morning. We even have “play fights” where we exclaim profanities to each other or act like we’re mad just because we’re in a goofy mood. Usually Mom will get into the middle of it and say “Stop fighting!” and we remind her that we are just messing around with each other. We will argue over what CD to listen to in the car or what to watch on TV, but we compromise because we know we will eventually get our turn. Most of the time, we settle for something we both can enjoy.

We can lay a leg or arm over each other while laying down without feeling “too close to personal space” because when you have a twin, you have no personal space. You share the same DNA so why not share personal spaces? You share clothes, food, drinks, and even the bathroom when you’re helping you sister dye her hair purple. We are constantly talking, even if we’re not saying anything aloud. We know each other’s weaknesses as well as strengths. We know that one would prefer Kahn from Kamelot over Jagged Edge. We know when one of us isn’t feeling well, even if we don’t have to say it. We know what each other is thinking (scary thought!) and we still say the same thing at the same time together.

We don’t mind making a fool of ourselves from time to time because we’re twins. We don’t have to have an excuse to say why we are singing “Mr. Roboto” in a restaurant when we’re in a good mood. It may seem immature, but we’re not your average set of twins. We still feel like a kid sometimes and we embrace it- together.

We’re different, don’t get me wrong. But forever will we remain the same as long as our bond remains.

Books, Books, Books! May 1, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in Books, Feelings, life, random, reading, relationships, thoughts.
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I am absolutely sure that I will eventually fry my brain from reading.

Yes, I love to read.

Why do I say that?

I am currently reading 4… count them- 1, 2, 3, 4 books! 2 of the are from the same author and the other 2 have NOTHING in common. I picked up “The Stupidest Angel” from Christopher Moore (told you I liked him) from the library this afternoon because I had requested it about a week ago. I’ve read it before but since I love it, I wanted to read it again. It had been about 2 years (maybe 3) since I last read it. That’s one I need to get.

I am also reading “Twilight- Eclipse”, which is if I am correct, the 3rd book of the series. These books are getting thicker and while I love the series, I have to take my mind of vampires and love. Being single, it can feel kind of lonely when you’re reading about love and relationships when the only thing warm in your bed at night is your cat wanting attention or the blanket draped over your feet.

So I then opted to start reading a book I bought YEARS ago but never really read because at the time, life was a little hectic and I wasn’t really big into reading. Boy, I sure have changed! This book definitely reminds me of me, if that makes sense. Ain’t it funny how you but books, thinking you just want to get away into some Fantasyland but end up changing you way of thinking about things because the books reminds you so much of yourself, you have declared you are changing?

This last book is no where near that! Remember me talking about “A Dirty Job” in a previous post? Yes, I am still reading it. I have a bad habit of getting caught up in a book or searching for books at the library that I forget that I am halfway through another book! So I end up getting books that I most likely won’t read but neglect that same “halfway through” book. Poor book.

Colds and Movies April 27, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Feelings, health, Internet, learning, life, Movies, random, relationships, thoughts.
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It has been raining since this morning.

Well, actually it isn’t raining anymore but it had pretty much been raining all day. Why I didn’t think to put on pants instead of wearing shorts, I don’t know. But I have been pretty much in and out of the rain all day in a t-shirt and shorts. And I know you can’t get sick from just being wet, but I think I may have contracted a cold. Naturally, with the swine flu cases, my sister is freaking out that I may have swine flu. Even if I did, the only thing that would have to be done is keep me home-bound. But even with this cold, I probably won’t be getting out much because I don’t want to get other people catch the cold and send them into a frenzy thinking they have swine flu. I don’t want to cause a Central Texas panic just because I have a simple cold (or is it a sinus infection? Huh.). That would make my life a living hell. That would pretty much suck.

I have fallen in love. Not with some other guy (besides Cyber Guy but he already knows. LOL). But with a movie. A movie I have watched over and over agian until I pretty much know what they are going to say or what they are going to do. My new love is “You’ve Got Mail”. Now, I’m not one for Romantic Comedies because of the whole “romantic” part. But because I met Cyber Guy online, it makes a lot of sense. We don’t have meaningful conversations like Kathleen Kelley and Joe Fox do on “You’ve Got Mail” but I do relish the times we have together, for however long they may be. I already know what happens in the movie but my heart beats wildly at the fact that this happens everyday. People sign on, go into some chatroom, have interesting conversations, and eventually end up together. Or perhaps they use no specifics and don’t tell each other their names until they are absolutely sure they can handle everything that will be said. It’s a thought, right?

Maybe the next time I sign into a Yahoo! chatroom, I’ll met some guy and we can exchange e-mails without being at all specific and eventually end up as a couple. Or maybe I’ll just finish watching the movie and move onto the next one borrowed from the local library: Sweeney Todd.

I hate dreams… April 25, 2009

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I had a dream last night that I wouldn’t constitute as disturbing but it got my attention.

I know why “C” was there- the whole MySpace and blog thing last night. I already knew that I would most likely dream about it because I was so excited. But there was one person that I didn’t expect to see in my dream.

“Cyber Guy” was there. I hadn’t talked to him in a while and I really hadn’t been thinking about him. I had been preoccupied with “C” coming down, finding a place to put the van, and reading the Twilight series. He hadn’t really crossed my mind in a long while.

But in the dream, “C” was visiting like I told you and we were having fun driving around town. All of a sudden, I see “Cyber Guy’s” white truck driving past us. We parked in some parking lot while he make a U-Turn and drove right into the parking lot. He stopped right beside our truck and got out. He went to my side of the car and opened the door. I got out and gave him a hug. He gave a kiss and even when the kiss ended, he held me. I introduced him to “C” and he greeted Manders. He didn’t act like he did last time- nervous. He didn’t act like we were even friends. He acted like we were more.

I woke up knowing why “C” was in my dream but I still have no clue why he was and why he acted the way he did. I had gotten it outta my mind that we would probably just ending remaining friends. I accepted that and moved on. It has bothered me all day because I am curious as to why he would come into a dream when I hadn’t dreamt of him in months!

I hate dreams like those. It’s kind of weird. Really weird.

Nevermind… March 14, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in business, Candles, Feelings, Friends, Guys, Job, life, love, money, random, rant, relationships, thoughts.
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Remember how I said in a previous post that if everything worked out that I could possibly be selling candles? Nevermind that.

I got some information and the price of the start-up kit. Wasn’t bad. But it went on to say that I would automatically be enrolled in the “Candle of the Month” Club, in which I would be billed $40 per month (plus shipping and handling). The initial start-up package price I could handle. But my family can’t afford the $40 a month for a “Candle of the Month” deal.

Now I am at a loss on what to do. I can’t have a normal job due to medical issues. Back to the drawing board I do.

Oh yea, guess the chance of me and Cyber Guy getting together is not happening. Turns out that he may be moving to Louisiana for a business opportunity. He tried to reassure me that he would come back to Texas on his days off (I guess to see his parents). But somehow, I still felt a sinking feeling. I’m destined to be remain single for the rest of my life.

I still love candles though.

Whew! March 2, 2009

Posted by texasheartland in dating, Feelings, Guys, learning, life, love, random, relationships, thoughts.
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Lately, I’ve been talking to Cyber Guy. A lot.

Ever since my hospital fiasco, we hardly ever go a day without saying something. He’ll ask how I’m feeling or what I’m up to. Even though he’s asked it before, that’s the first thing he’ll ask. He used to say “Hey sexy” or “Hey beautiful” (yea, I know… gives me a fuzzy feeling inside when he does that). But he’ll just come right out and ask me.

I was talking to Mom a couple of days ago about Cyber Guy and I had told her that I made up my mind to not ask him out. The deal with that is that he has a really demanding job and I would never see him (except once a month or so, unless he planned on coming up every day he’s off. I don’t think so.) and he travels everywhere. The week after Valentine’s Day, he was in Arkansas for a week and 1/2. But Mom said something that was true. She told me not to ask him out and see what happens. If it was meant to be, then I will know. Which is very true!

We still talk on the phone sometimes (though I missed his call yesterday and didn’t get a chance to call back. I felt so guilty!). Oh, and he sent me a picture through e-mail today. How I had forgotten how good he looks! We were on Yahoo! Messenger so I put the drooling face and said “you make my heart skip a beat” and he replied with “Like it?”. How could I not say “Hell yea!”.

What’s funny is that we tell each other we love each other (no “love ya”, but “I love you!”) but we’re not together. Even if we are on the edge of being together but continue to remain that way, that’s fine. I have no problem with that and I know many others will say “Get rid of him!” but it’s the love we have for each other that keeps us close to another’s heart. I know we will eventually be together. It’ll just take some time.

Cyber Friend & Me January 11, 2009

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This isn’t about the cyber guy who kicked my ass at pool. He’s the one I threw the bowling ball at. This is someone I have known since 2005, when my aunt died. Ever since that time, he’s been there for me through every heart break or everything little stressful thing life throws at me. We’ve become exceptionally close.

You’re probably wondering why I have kept “Cyber Friend” in the shadows instead bringing him into the spotlight. He had his 15 minutes of fame with the bowling ball. Other than that, I’m keeping him to myself. I call him a “cyber friend” because other than the occasional phone call or everyday text, we chat over Yahoo! Messenger.

I have no idea where I was headed with that, but oh well. The last time I saw “Cyber Friend” was oh about 2 months ago. We definitely had a connection and then last week I asked how he felt about me and he said “I care a lot about you and want to spend more time with you”, which just made my heart melt. We talk everyday and get to know each other a little more. He’s coming through town in 2 weeks and wants to take me out just so we can talk. I don’t know where we’re going but me and “cyber friend”… could it be love?

Updates October 18, 2008

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Wow, it’s been so long since I last posted! Sorry about that. A LOT has been going on.

Remember me telling you that my cousin was moving? Well, she did. First, it was me and my dad who helped her move stuff into trailers. She packed and I watched her baby boy. My dad helped carry stuff to the trailer. Well, “E” came with me one day and got roped into helping them take stuff into the trailers. They sure had a lot of shit! Then on Tuesday, I went over there one last time to say Goodbye. When it was time for us to leave, me, her, and Manders sat outside on the steps not wanting to say Goodbye. Then when “E” got out of the car to give her a hug, and he said “I’ll let ya’ll have ya’lls moment” thats when I started tearing up. I was saying goodbye to someone I had gone through a lot of shit with. I’ve known her my whole life, and I knew I was probably never gonna see her again. So then we all started crying. It was hard.

But there is some good news in that light. “E” has finally moved in with us. Right now, he’s spending I know atleast today and tomorrow morning at his Dad’s house. He hasn’t seen his dad in a month since he’s been in Mexico. I think he said something about trying to talk his dad into helping him get a job. He knew that was one of the stipulations of moving in. It was weird at first because I got used to seeing him everyday and he would leave around the evening time. Now, it’s kind of routine for him to be here.

Oh yea, I didn’t quit smoking. I will tell you now that it is one of THE hardest things to do. Non-smokers don’t get it, and smokers don’t understand why non-smokers just don’t get it. I have been there! If you’ve seen The Blue Collar movie and when Bill Engvall talks about quitting smoking, that’s exactly what it’s like. So if you’re a non-smoker and don’t understand why smokers just don’t quit, google it. You’ll find out why.

Guitar Hero? Build-A-Bear? September 26, 2008

Posted by texasheartland in Christmas, dating, family, funny, holidays, humor, life, love, music, Party, random, relationships, thoughts.
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Thanks to “E”, we are officially getting Guitar Hero for Christmas. Which one, I’m not sure. That’s up to Manders.

“E”- They have the Mario theme song on Guitar Hero III.

Me- Really?

“E”- Yea. It’s pretty bad ass.

(“E” shows me the YouTube video for the song.)

Me- Damn! I wouldn’t even attempt that!

“E”- That’s on expert.

Me- Ya think?

Remember in one of my earlier posts I said that “E” played Guitar Hero at Toys R Us? Wait, did I even mention that? Oh well. But he’s been wanting it for a while. Then he got me wanting it. The next person to want it? Manders, naturally.

I can just imagine 3 people, 1 guitar.  Either we will all be laughing, getting mad, or fighting over who’s turn it is. Now if only we could get a 2nd guitar and have battles. Oh that would be so much fun! Well not really. Once you think about it, twin sisters and a sister’s boyfriend having battles. All 3 of us are pretty much competitive. We’re screwed.

Mom told us the other day that she will be taking all 3 of us to Build-A-Bear to… well, build a bear. I have always wanted to do that! I don’t care if I’m 23, going to be 24 in December. All my life, I wanted to build a bear. Pretty much a mini-me! I looked at their website and they’re so adorable! They have little bear football uniforms (“E” is a Dallas Cowboys fan. Shhh, don’t tell him I told you!) and I know “E” will make a little Tony Romo.

I wanted to make a Texas Longhorns bear (huge UT fan!) but all they have is a small UT shirt that I can make at home. But their cheerleading outfits are adorable! They have an orange and white one, which is UT’s colors. I think I might make a UT cheerbear.

Yea, I think this is going to be a great Christmas (or Yule, for us Pagans).

Can I play Guitar Hero first, though?

Banter September 25, 2008

Posted by texasheartland in Christmas, dating, family, life, love, random, rant, relationships, thoughts, vent.
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Wow! It’s been a while since I’ve had a true, about-my-life post. Miss me? First off, I’d like to say that I cannot believe it’s almost October! In 6 more days, it will officially be October 1st. This year just flew by! I’ve spent a lot of time lately “Christmas shopping”, though technically I haven’t bought anything yet. Just getting ideas for birthdays (“E”s birthday is 2 weeks before mine) as well as Christmas.

Speaking of “E”, me and him are still going strong. We still see each other every day, even though a week ago we weren’t able to because I had the flu (hey that rhymed!). That was hard for us. Though I must say that he is doing a lot of extra walking because of the economy. But he said he didn’t want us to waste gas going back and forth. Even though mom has tried to make him see that she doesn’t mind, he doesn’t want us to come get him. Good thinking baby!

I have been told I had to quit smoking. Not by a doctor. Not by “E” or even myself. But by Mom. She said she wants to save money. While I can understand wanting to save money, going cold turkey is only going to make me want them more. I am so going to hate the withdrawals. This will be ONE of the hardest things I will have to do (more harder things in life, of course). Damnit, I could use a ciggarette. Just 1 more… I promise. As long as I didn’t have to share it.

Well, atleast the weather is getting cooler… somewhat. We still have days where we’re in the high 80’s but the nights feel soooooo good! Now if only the days would follow.

Guess I’ll find something to eat… maybe drink… maybe both. Since I can’t have any ciggarettes.

Costumes… scared me! August 29, 2008

Posted by texasheartland in dating, family, funny, Halloween, hilarious, holidays, humor, life, love, Party, random, relationships.
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Today, all of us (“E”, myself, Manders, and Mom) did normal errands. Except we had decided to make one special stop. Manders is planning a surprise theme party (the theme is the surprise, not the party) for me and “E”. We stopped at Card & Party Factory. Manders wanted to get a couple of pricings for whatever she is planning.

Now if you’ve been to your local Card & Party Factory recently, they may have a Halloween room filled with props and costumes. “E” is a big fan of Mike Meyers, Freddy Krueger, and Jason. Keep this in mind. As me and Manders were looking at this AWESOME Mardi Gras costume. See the picture below.

I wasn’t paying attention to what “E” was doing. He had put on a Mike Meyers mask and decided to run up on me without saying a word until I felt wind on my left arm and saw him with the mask on. This didn’t happen in slow motion. I turned my head quickly and let out a yelp. Manders starts giggle. “E” is dying, laughing at me.

I should have had the camera with me though. They had some beautiful costumes. And what “E” was doing with the masks and costumes was hilarious. Next time, I am going to remind everyone around me to grab the camera before I walk out of the house. I do not want to miss another funny photo op… of course, for my enjoyment.